wonderings

self violence, general frustration, and much grrrrrrr

2008-10-23T21:03:59Z

DAMN. IT. FUCK. ALL. SHIT. SON. OF. A. BITCH.

Dear Me:
I am coming for you. Prepare for ass-kickage.

Dear You:
I would really like to punch you. Not in the face per se, but punching is definitely on the list.

Dear Jackass:
Six days and I am OUT. Suck on THAT.

I really need to get back to meditating more frequently. !@#$%^%$$#@

boop boop be doop boop!---utter rambling.......

2008-08-28T19:31:14Z

Sitting in Jenn's class making illicit posts to LJ. I would really appreciate being able to breathe. Just a little. Seeing high schoolers all day has made me realized exactly how much I enjoy being done with school. Not just college, but high school as well. I was so unhappy then that it still kind of hurts to think about it sometimes. I really wish I could go back and tell my high school self "this isn't real. these people are not as important as you think they are. Things WILL be different when you're out of high school. All the people you think are so much better than you will end up working at walmart or pregnant, etc." Because when you look back at it, you can really see how stupid it all was. But it seems so terribly real when you're living it. Damn. Kristy is running on not enough sleep so I'm beginning to ramble and I'm not all that sure what I'm writing. So I think I'll finish with a happy list:
1. I have a job. In a place I won't mind working. Doing a job that I think I'll enjoy. :)
2. Me and Jenn are going to dinner someplace neat tonight.
3. Got to have Taco Bell (score) in Garden of the Gods (double score) last night.
4. I have realized that I'm okay living in Springfield. I still plan to travel but I'm good with having that as my base of operations. Others may not agree with me, and it could stand improvement (a little more variety), but overall, I can deal. I used to catch myself thinking that I was somehow missing out on something by living there instead of a bigger city but I've decided I don't want to live somewhere huge. This probably sounds incredibly insignificant but it's a very good thing for me.
5.....My brain has stalled out for the moment so I guess that's it.

P.S. The kids are talking about Hannah Montana's and Miley Cyrus' hair. Shudder.

hippie_child13 @ 2008-02-08T10:03:00

2008-02-08T16:09:47Z

i'm in a shitty mood and i'm going to stay in one. i'm not going to sit down and try to think of positive things. i'm not going to pretend like everything is fine to avoid making other people uncomfortable. selfish maybe but at this point i don't care. i've been living my life for other people because i feel like i'm burdening people if i talk about about the hopeless shit that i think about all the time. maybe that's unfair but i'm sick of apologizing for myself. it shouldn't be this fucking hard.

out of context yet still meaningful

2008-01-30T14:34:45Z

I stole the link off ashley's post.

crazy why do you
love me yeah i drive naked
through the park and run

down I can’t go

overboard if I don’t know

where the edge is

sound of crickets night
breezes the moon sunrises mornings
when the day is full

know the books you read
in high school isn't real
so i would be good

joy in the little
things earrings neat sounds laughing
smiling and meaning

my dear you don't
have to fear a new wayi give
you the moon sunrises

hippie_child13 @ 2008-01-11T09:22:00

2008-01-11T15:24:03Z

It's always interesting to learn about yourself.
Pisces
Planet: Jupiter & Neptune

Metal: Tin

Age: 55-62 (Age of Wisdom)

Cross: Mutable

Element: Water

Stones: Saphine, emerald, amethyst.

Pisces: Your Power Stone is the Amethyst.

Numbers: 3 & 6

Day: Thursday

Season: Winter

Flowers and Herbs: Heliotrope, carnation, opium

Tree: Willow, elm

Color: Purple, violet, amethyst, white, green.

Bird: Swan, stork, sandpiper

Animal: Sheep, ox, seal

Key Word: Privacy.

Musical Tone: A above high C

Description: Pisces is the most unworldly of all the signs. It leans toward religion and mysticism and often withdraws from the world. Emotional and sensitive, Pisceans tend to wear many disguises to mask their vunerablility. Imaginative, artistic and self-sacrificing, Pisces will succeed on the stage or in the church or temple. Pisces' strength lies in its ability to rise above materialism; its weakness lies in handling the real world.

musing

2008-01-10T14:10:21Z

Given the latest weather, I think this is very appropriate.

Mother Earth::Within Temptation
Birds and butterflies
Rivers and mountains she creates
But you'll never know 
The next move she'll make
You can try
But it is useless to ask why
Cannot control her
She goes her own way

She rules until the end of time
She gives and she takes
She rules until the end of time
She goes her way

With every breath
And all the choices that we make
We are only passing through on her way
I find my strength
Believing that your soul lives on
Until the end of time
I'll carry it with me

She rules until the end of time
She gives and she takes
She rules until the end of time
She goes her way

Once you will know my dear
You don't have to fear
A new beginning always starts at the end
Once you will know my dear
You don't have to fear
Until the end of time
Until the end of time
Until the end of time
She goes her way

She rules until the end of time
She gives and she takes
She rules until the end of time
until the end of time
until the end of time
She goes her way

day 12 of no nicotine.

bye all

2008-01-02T21:41:15Z

i'm sick of people at the moment and i think this is going to last awhile. so ta ta.

hippie_child13 @ 2007-12-18T13:23:00

2007-12-18T19:40:13Z

I started reading this book this morning (somebody did their book report on it for my ethnic lit class) and this one part struck something when I read it. I have yet to completely figure out why. It's from The Painted Drum by Louise Erdrich.

"Ravens are the birds I'll miss most when I die. If only the darkness into which we much look were composed of the black light of their limber intelligence. If only we did not have to die at all. Instead, become ravens. I've watched these birds so hard I feel their black feathers split out of my skin. To fly from one tree to another, the raven hangs itself, hawklike, on the air. I hang myself that same way in sleep, between one day and the next. When we're young, we think we are the only species worth knowing. But the more I come to know people, the better I like ravens. If I have a religious practice, it is the watching of these birds." (page 15)

I'd never heard of this author before and I probably wouldn't have picked up the book if I hadn't taken that lit class. But I've decided that Erdrich is definitely extremely talented.

prelude to the storm

2007-12-12T18:31:53Z

If vodka were water and I were a duck,
I'd swim to the bottom and never come up.
But vodka's not water, and I'm not a duck,
So slide me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

this makes me giggle.:)

ps. I hate self-titled albums. It's lazy, unimaginative, and just generally lame.

shredding yields surprising results....

2007-12-10T19:10:06Z

i'm playing on here instead of doing homework. alas, such is life. I was cleaning out my ethnic lit folder to shred/recycle everything and I found this poem that Dr. Moser handed out in the beginning of the semester. It's incredibly sad but still very good.

Recipe-by Janice Mirikitani

Round Eyes

Ingredients: scissors, Scotch magic transparent tape,
                        eyeliner--water based, black.
                        Optional: false eyelashes.

Cleanse face thoroughly.

For best results, powder entire face, including eyelids.
                (lighter shades suited to total effect desired)

With scissors, cut magic tape 1/16" wide, 3/4"-1/2" long--
Depending on lenght of eyelid.

Stick firmly onto mid-upper eyelid area
          (looking down into handmirror facilitates finding
            adequate surface)

If using false eyelashes, affix first on lid, fold any
excess lid over the base of eyelash with glue.

Paint black eyeliner on tape and entire lid.

Do not cry.

hippie_child13 @ 2007-12-07T09:54:00

2007-12-07T16:01:27Z

It's the anniversary of Pearl Harbor is case anyone didn't know. Just figured I'd put that out there. And EVERYONE is going to affirm that we will not get ice this weekend (or at least not enough to cancel school) because I don't feel like taking my finals next semester. Peace out.:) This song is perfect for when I'm in one of my angry female moods.

So, what, am I not supposed to have an opinion?
Should I keep quiet just because I'm a woman?
Call me a bitch 'cause I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

When a female fires back 
Suddenly big talker don't know how to act 
So he does what any little boy would do
Makin' up a few false rumors or two

That for sure is not a man to me, slanderin' names for popularity
It's sad you only get your fame through controversy (So, so sad)
But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say

[chorus:]
This is for my girls all around the world (Around the world)
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard 
So what do we do girls? shout louder!
Lettin 'em know we're gonna stand our ground (Stand our ground)
So lift your hands high and wave 'em proud 
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

Nobody can hold us down
Nobody can hold us down 
Nobody can hold us down 
Never can, never will

So, what, am I not supposed to say what I'm saying?
Are you offended with the message I'm bringin'?
Call me whatever 'cause your words don't mean a thing
Guess you ain't even a man enough to handle what I sing

If you look back in history it's a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore
I don't understand why it's okay,
The guy can get away with it, the girl gets named
All my ladies come together and make a change
And start a new beginning for us, everybody sing

[chorus]




[Lil' Kim:]
Here's something I just can't understand
If the guy have three girls then he's the man
He can even give her some head, or sex her off
But if a girl do the same, she's a whore

But the tables about to turn
I bet my fame on it
Cats take my ideas, and put their name on it
It's aight though, you can't hold me down
I got to keep on moving

To my girls to their man who be trying to mac
Do it right back to him and let that be that
You need to let him know that his game is whack
And Lil' Kim and Christina Aguilera got yo back

You're just a little boy
Think you're so cute, so coy
You must talk so big to make up for smaller things
You're just a little boy
All you do is annoy
You must talk so big to make up for smaller things

(This is for my girls) 
This is for my girls all around the world
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard
So what do we do girls, shout louder
Lettin 'em know we're gonna stand our ground (stand our ground)
So lift your hands high and wave 'em proud 
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

I can't go overboard if I don't know where the edge is.....

2007-11-07T17:32:09Z

I really like this song, I'm not sure why. I think maybe because I can identify with it. Hmmmm.










Why do you love me? --Garbage



I'm no Barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things
And I have made mistakes
And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed
So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word? 
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud

Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? It's driving me crazy 
Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? It's driving me crazy 
Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? It's driving me crazy 
Why do you love me? 
Why do you love me? 
Same thing for these, sometimes songs just speak you to right?:
independent love song--scarlet
karma--alicia keys
behind these hazel eyes--kelly clarkson
politically incorrect--sr-71 (perfect when i'm in a smartass, fuck-all mood)
lose control--evanescence
today is just a very weird day.

ponderings and poetry

2007-10-29T16:55:13Z

I am constantly in awe of what some people can do with words. It truly amazes

me how much little groups of letters can make us feel. This poem is by an Indian

woman named Chrystos that I found out about through my ethnic lit instructor.

In my opinion, I think it's fantastic.

This is a give-away poem

I want to give you the first daffodil opening from the earth I have sown

To give you warm loaves of bread baked in soft mounds like breasts...

I have wrapped your face around me, a warm robe

I give you blankets women of flowers and roots

Come closer

I have more to give

this basket is very large

I have stitched it out of your kind words...

This basket is only the beginning...

Within this basket is something you have been looking for all your life

Come take it

Take as much as you want

I give you seeds of a new way

I give you the moon shining on a fire of singing women

I give you the sound of our feet dancing

I give you the sound of our thoughts flying

I give you the sound of peace moving into our faces and sitting down

Come

This is a give away poem...

When my hands are empty

I will be full

It's stuff like this that makes me want to start writing again.:)

little things

2007-10-29T16:44:25Z

I'm really working on being more appreciative of the things I have and learning to

find joy in the little things. When I find the time, I'm contemplating writing a poem

to this effect, an affirmation to this new perspective, but I'm hesitant because I'm

worried it won't turn out like I imagined and I'll fuck it up and be discontent.

Sigh. Meanwhile I shall compile. :)

little things:

dangly earrings, neat sounds, laughing, smiling and meaning it, hugs,

peaceful moments, feeling centered if just for a few minutes, a good song,

silly little dances, crossing something off a list, bonfires, the sound of crickets,

night breezes, the moon, sunrises, mornings when the day is full of nothing

but possibilities, hoodies, books, good poetry, good conversation, cool rings,

sales, colored glass, eclectic-ness, wall art (hangins, pictures, etc), playing

in the water, acting silly with friends, have an incredibly drawn out conversation

about something utterly ridiculous just because you can, hiking, foggy mornings,

cuddling/snuggling/people pillows, cool words

I just heard this fantastic song--in high school people I allowed people like this

to make me feel bad about myself. Now they just piss me off.:)

Extraordinary by Liz Phair

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary
I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you

So dig a little deeper cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary
I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring
Who the hell are you